Joke of the day....

A place for NSFW posts, pics and raunchier topics. Expect bad language, bad jokes, naughty nipples and pics of Art's bum. No porn though. If you don't like it, don't open it.
No under 18s allowed in this section
User avatar
Yorkie
Site Staff
Posts: 1124
Joined: Wed Mar 09, 2016 9:11 pm

Joke of the day....

Postby Yorkie » Fri Feb 03, 2017 3:37 pm

Ok....I'll start this thing off....


A man was washed up on a beach, after a shipwreck.
Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed-up with him.
After looking around, he realised that they were stranded on a deserted island.

After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset.
One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.
The sheepdog, ever-protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.
After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed-by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.
The only survivor was Nicola Sturgeon, Leader of the Scottish Nationalists.

That evening, the man brought Nicola to the evening beach ritual.
It was another beautiful evening - red sky cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.
Pretty soon, the man started to get those feelings again.

He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Nicola and told her he hadn't had sex for months.
Nicola batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him?
He said, 'Could you take the dog for a walk.'
hhautoca
Posts: 26
Joined: Mon Sep 05, 2016 7:04 pm
Location: California

Re: Joke of the day....

Postby hhautoca » Fri Feb 03, 2017 4:32 pm

"NUDE BEACH!!!"

A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a family
nude beach... As the boy walks along the sand, he notices
that many of the women have boobs bigger than his mother's,
so he goes back to ask her why. She tells her son, "The
bigger they are, the sillier the lady is." The boy, pleased
with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to
tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than
his dad does.

She replies, "The bigger they are, the dumber the man is."
Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the
ocean to play Shortly thereafter, the boy returns and
promptly tells his mother: "Daddy is talking to the silliest
lady on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he
gets."
User avatar
Rob_Wakey
Site Staff
Posts: 1707
Joined: Wed Mar 09, 2016 6:45 am
Location: Wakefield West Yorks

Re: Joke of the day....

Postby Rob_Wakey » Sat Feb 04, 2017 1:09 pm

Yorkie wrote:Ok....I'll start this thing off....


A man was washed up on a beach, after a shipwreck.
Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed-up with him.
After looking around, he realised that they were stranded on a deserted island.

After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset.
One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.
The sheepdog, ever-protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.
After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed-by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.
The only survivor was Nicola Sturgeon, Leader of the Scottish Nationalists.

That evening, the man brought Nicola to the evening beach ritual.
It was another beautiful evening - red sky cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.
Pretty soon, the man started to get those feelings again.

He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Nicola and told her he hadn't had sex for months.
Nicola batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him?
He said, 'Could you take the dog for a walk.'


:lol: :lol: :lol: about right, bet the sheep was much more fun than her!
After me you're first :twisted:
User avatar
Rob_Wakey
Site Staff
Posts: 1707
Joined: Wed Mar 09, 2016 6:45 am
Location: Wakefield West Yorks

Re: Joke of the day....

Postby Rob_Wakey » Sat Feb 04, 2017 1:17 pm

hhautoca wrote:"NUDE BEACH!!!"

A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a family
nude beach... As the boy walks along the sand, he notices
that many of the women have boobs bigger than his mother's,
so he goes back to ask her why. She tells her son, "The
bigger they are, the sillier the lady is." The boy, pleased
with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to
tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than
his dad does.

She replies, "The bigger they are, the dumber the man is."
Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the
ocean to play Shortly thereafter, the boy returns and
promptly tells his mother: "Daddy is talking to the silliest
lady on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he
gets."


:lol: :lol:
After me you're first :twisted:
User avatar
Rob_Wakey
Site Staff
Posts: 1707
Joined: Wed Mar 09, 2016 6:45 am
Location: Wakefield West Yorks

Re: Joke of the day....

Postby Rob_Wakey » Sat Feb 04, 2017 1:25 pm

I love my motorcycle – it’s great for getting to the front of queues quicker.
It does always terrify the other people in the post office though.

--------
“What the hell do you think you’re doing?” I yelled at my wife. “You’ve reversed the car over my motorbike!”
“It’s your own fault,” she said. “You’re the one that left it in the shed.”

--------
Yesterday I got stuck behind a young girl riding a horse. No matter what I did, I just couldn’t get past her. I was tooting my horn, and hanging out the window yelling at her. She still wouldn’t let me past.
There was a guy on a motorcycle behind me and he was waving too.

I was getting so wound up and frustrated. “It’s people like you that cause accidents!” I shouted.

Eventually, I just couldn’t take any more so I looked around to make sure the coast was clear…

… and then I jumped off the carousel.

--------
It was only when I bought a motorbike that I found out that adrenaline is brown.

--------
A little old lady wanted to join a biker club. She knocked on the door of a local biker club and a big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers the door. She proclaims "I want to join your biker club." The guy was amused and told her that she needed to meet certain biker requirements before she was allowed to join. So the biker asks her "You have a bike?" The little old lady says "Yea, that's my Harley over there" and points to a Harley parked in the driveway. The biker asks her "Do you smoke?" The little old lady says "Yea, I smoke. I smoke 4 packs of cigarettes a day and a couple of cigars while I'm shooting pool." The biker is impressed and asks "Well, have you ever been picked up by the Fuzz?" The little old lady says "No, I've never been picked up by the fuzz, but I've been swung around by my nipples a few times."

----------
An Eskimo's Harley goes on the fritz. He takes it to a mechanic, who, after examining the vehicle, says, "I think you've blown a seal."

To which the Eskimo replies, "No, that's just a little ice on my mustache."
After me you're first :twisted:
User avatar
Yorkie
Site Staff
Posts: 1124
Joined: Wed Mar 09, 2016 9:11 pm

Re: Joke of the day....

Postby Yorkie » Sat Feb 04, 2017 2:45 pm

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the First Class section of an airplane.

The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.

Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again.

As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?"

"I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. "I have never heard of that condition before" he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"

The woman nodded, "Pepper."
User avatar
Rob_Wakey
Site Staff
Posts: 1707
Joined: Wed Mar 09, 2016 6:45 am
Location: Wakefield West Yorks

Re: Joke of the day....

Postby Rob_Wakey » Sat Feb 04, 2017 7:11 pm

Liverpool :lol: :lol: :lol:
After me you're first :twisted:
User avatar
Art
Site Staff
Posts: 773
Joined: Fri Mar 11, 2016 12:05 am
Location: Christchurch UK

Re: Joke of the day....

Postby Art » Sat Feb 04, 2017 9:36 pm

Rob_Wakey wrote:Liverpool :lol: :lol: :lol:


Sidesplittin' that one, couldn't stop. Hillarious!!!
"I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty-headed animal food trough wiper! I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries! " :twisted:
hhautoca
Posts: 26
Joined: Mon Sep 05, 2016 7:04 pm
Location: California

Re: Joke of the day....

Postby hhautoca » Thu Apr 13, 2017 6:40 pm

An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. As he
sat sipping his drink, a young woman sat down next to him.
She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life, breaking colts,
working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling
calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn,
fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I
guess I am a cowboy."

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking
about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think
about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I
watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when
I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women."

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of
the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out
I'm a lesbian

Return to “Anything Goes”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 2 guests